Parshas Vayishlach: Asking for a Name
Do manners matter? It’s a funny question, especially as just
about everyone who might be reading this (or listening to it) was, without
question, raised on a steady diet of being told to say please and thank you and
to hold the door for the next person. Truth be told, though, the etiquette of
manners is really dependent on the society in which you live. (For instance,
the European kissing of the cheeks of everyone becomes a problem in our
community.)
Sociological discussions about manners in religious
communities would probably focus on that which we call mitzvos bein adam l’chavero.
These mitzvos include actions that most of us consider standard behavior –
visiting the sick, giving charity, taking care of people in need, hosting
guests, and etc. And our traditions are rife with such interactions and
considerations. However, throughout Jewish tradition there are references to far
more subtle actions that are important to manners and etiquette. Indeed, even
to such a simple action as smiling…there are several references to the
importance of smiling.
In this week’s parsha, Parshas Vayishlach, there is the
extremely famous but somewhat perplexing narrative of the wrestling match
between Yaakov and an angel. Don’t worry, the good manners are not attacking
someone at midnight. At the end of the wrestling match, when the malacha has
declared himself bested, he gives Yaakov a new name in response to Yaakov’s
demand of a bracha. Yaakov’s response is fascinating in and of itself:
“Yaakov inquired and said, ‘Please tell your name.’ He
replied, ‘Why do you ask my name?’ And he blessed him there”
(Bereishis 32:30). At this point it is obvious that Yaakov’s opposition is not
a mortal man, so why did Yaakov ask for a name? Tradition has several answers
to this and makes it a point to note that names are sources of power. That is
not the point too this dvar Torah.
The perek ends with the angel blessing Yaakov…but perhaps that
should be restated as the angel blesses Yaakov again. Afterall, the change of
name was Yaakov’s bracha, was it not? So why does the angel bless him again.
Perhaps because he stopped to ask his name. Yaakov stopped to recognize the identity,
so to speak, of the being with whom he was conversing. Yaakov wasn’t
intimidated by the nature of his companion, and he bore no grudge to the
violence of their initial interaction. He asked his name, and that was significant;
that was a recognition of basic respect.
Think about the effort that Adam HaRishon put into naming
all creatures. Names have significance and meaning. Names have an impact. Names
have power, and asking someone’s name immediately makes them feel seen and
respected…individualized.
The commentator Chizkuni points out on the angel’s response:
“‘Why are you asking for my name?’ The angel informs Yaakov that there is no
point in knowing his name; he explains that when people that have not seen one
another ever, upon meeting, will extend greetings with one another and bless
each other wishing each other well, and ask one another for their names, they
justify this in the event that they wished to communicate with each other in
the future.” Asking for a name means building a bond, but, as almost all the
commentaries point out, the malachim have temporary identities that are actually
statements of their missions rather than core identities.
Nevertheless, that Yaakov inquired, that Yaakov demonstrated
his recognition of the malach as unique and significant, even if it was only
for his temporary existence, was a moment of derech eretz.
Most of us are faced with dozens of opportunities to impact
the lives of others on a regular basis. Random people do kindnesses for us all
the time, and we don’t even always thank them much less ask for their name. But
what of the people who we see regularly, with whom we share regular moments on
an ongoing basis – the barrista at the coffee shop, the crossing guard, the
doorman, etc. – Perhaps we should be making the effort to learn their names. And
even if a person is transient in our lives, as the malach suggested he himself
was in Yaakov’s world, there is still, in here, a reminder of meeting their
eyes and smiling our thanks and expressing a connection, a recognition of the
impact they have made.
May we all be blessed with reasons to smile and reasons to
be grateful to others.
Wishing you all a Shabbas Shalom
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