Thursday, November 22, 2012

In Their Way

A few days ago, my daughter asked me what would happen if a person ate non-kosher food. When I explained to her that nothing physically happens - that one’s tongue does not, as she had thought, become covered in pimples - but that keeping kosher was part of maintaining one’s connection with the spiritual realm. Finding the right answer for this child was just one of the many times that I have had to consider how to raise my children with happy, healthy and strong Jewish identities? It’s a question Jewish parents face in every generation, but more so in an era where the general culture views religious identity as an interesting adornment.

When one looks through the many narratives, commandments and advice that are in both the written and the oral Torah, perhaps the most important statement for today’s Jewish generation is “Educate the youth according to his way” (Proverbs 22:6).

It seems common sense to state that every child is unique, but in the real world of parenting, it is one of the most challenging realities to put into practice. I have four children, and even the children who seem most alike are actually strikingly different in what they need from me. Even without addressing the question of the differences in siblings, there is need to recognize how our children are different from ourselves as well.

Without question, this is an incredible challenge. In fact, Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch (Germany 1808-1888) references this concept when he asks a simple but difficult question.
How is it possible that a child of Isaac and Rebecca came to be wicked? The clue, Rabbi Hirsch suggests, is in Genesis 25:27, which says that the brothers Esau and Jacob grew up, and only then it indicates that Esau was a hunter while Jacob dwelt in the tent (of study [according to a rabbinic
story]). It is clear, according to Hirsch, based on this verse, that both Esau and Jacob, twins, were
raised in precisely the same environment and with the same methodology.

Rebecca and Isaac did not, however, take into account that Esau possessed a different personality from Jacob and needed his own special environment in order to be raised to become a righteous human being. Esau rebelled against this upbringing, which did not suit his personality and temperament.

Obviously most parents aren’t facing such diametrically opposed personalities as Jacob and Esau, but sometimes it is the subtle differences that need to be noticed in order for a child to feel truly secure.
Some children need and want strict rules to help them feel safe and secure, to mark out the boundaries. Other children, however, need softer discipline -- to have things discussed with them as they make their way through the world. Knowing the needs of each child not only effects how we interact with that child, but the choices we help that child to make. Pushing a child who is not into sports to join the soccer league, little league and to take karate can be detrimental to a child’s self-esteem if he/she never sees himself/herself succeeding at that activity.

One of the critical factors in getting to know one’s child at this deeper level is regular family time. For my family, this happens at the Shabbat table. Although we eat together every night, at Shabbat dinner my husband and I have the luxury of focussing on each child. Additionally, we make certain that we not only ask them questions, but we also share details of their own activities as well.

I felt pretty confident about the answer I gave that child, but if the question had been asked by my younger daughter, a metaphysical response would have been far less appropriate.  This was one question, casually asked as we passed a Burger King, but the greater question of raising a Jewish child is ever present.In the end, perhaps the key to raising children with happy, healthy and strong Jewish identities, is discerning what each child connects to in Jewish life. A musical child might connect to the many genres of Jewish music, whereas an intellectual child might enjoy delving into advanced Jewish studies.