We in the 21st century believe that we have
learned a lot about human psychology, about how a person develops in their childhood
to become a healthy adult. There are, of course, an extraordinary amount of
factors in that process, but we know that, in many ways, we are a reflection of
who our parents see us as. It is, therefore, a rather interesting question to
ponder just what sort of “dad” Lavan was to his daughters.
Lavan had two daughters, and life for them does not sound
particularly easy. His older daughter Leah was considered not-quite beautiful
and was known for being tearful. The Midrash states that she cried often
because she knew that she was destined to marry Esau and his reputation
preceded him. One wonders, how this information had been presented to her and
it is easy to doubt that it was presented in a gentle, caring manner but rather
as a fait accompli and now be quiet about it and stop whining. Why can such a
crass reaction be suggested, you may ask. Because our text indicates in a
rather wide variety of ways, that Lavan viewed his daughters as possessions, as
assets, rather than as people.
You might jump to point out how considerate he was of Leah’s
feelings when he worried that the younger should marry before the older, but if
he had truly been worried about her feelings, he would never have agreed to Rochel’s
betrothal in the first place nor would he have put his eldest in such a fraught
position on the night of the wedding. One can, after all, imagine all the ways
in which that could have gone wrong!
Perhaps, one might suggest, there was something in the
relationship with Leah that forced him to be more caustic, less caring. There is, however, a very interesting line
that reveals a lot about Lavan as a person and as a father. In Bereishis 29,
Yaakov meets Rochel and is smitten. He comes to Lavan, identifies himself
(which should have been an indicator of being someone to be greeted with love
or respect), and asks for her hand in marriage. Lavan’s response…”Better I give
her to you than give her to another man.”
Wow Dad! Thanks for caring. Tom, Dick, Harry…Yaakov. Ok, you
can marry her as long as I benefit.
With a father like Lavan, it is almost amazing that Leah and
Rochel were able to be such loving parents to the flock of children in their
household. And, on the other hand, with a father like Lavan, it explains a lot
about the behavior of the two sisters in their married home. There is, from
both of them, a deep insecurity as to their being loved by their husband.
While it is made clear throughout the parsha that Yaakov
loved Rachel, there is also a distinct feeling that Rachel is not exactly
happy. She watches her sister’s brood grow and grows frantic at her own lack.
Of course, part of this is because she yearns to be a mother, as many women do,
and part of this is because, on a spiritual level, there is a known prophecy
that this was the way Klal Yisrael would be formed. However, from a psychological
point of view, Rachel may have felt that having children was her way of
contributing to the family. As a married woman, it was her “job” to procreate,
and she wasn’t doing it. Remember, Rachel was the child that Lavan sent out
with the flocks. Rachel had been raised to contribute, to prove herself among
the shepherd boys, so that she was a contributing member of the household and
thus, perhaps gained favor in her father’s eyes.
Leah, on the other hand, was sadly too aware that she had to
prove her value because her sister was the one Yaakov wanted to marry. One certainly
gets the feeling that this was a familiar position. Making assumptions, one
could imagine that Lavan believed that Esau, as the eldest son, was going to be
the primary heir and so Leah had her value. She may not have been naturally as
beautiful, but she was kept from labor so that she was preserved for her
future. However, as time went on, Rachel’s work made her, in her own way, as
equal – if not more – to her sister in their father’s eye.
As many children as she had, Leah could never feel confident
in her husband’s affection – any level of affection, because all she and her
sister had ever known was affection based on value added.
It would be easy to make this all about Lavan being a bad
guy - and, certainly, he was a man of many, many flaws - but his was a common
approach to women and family. Indeed, this basic attitude is seen throughout
history. Here, now, in the comfortable days of the 21st century, we
have the time and luxury to contemplate such concepts as attachment parenting
and the need for emotional affirmations. For most of human history, however, basic
life left no room for such reflections.
It would be wonderful to write that our age of contemplation
and reflection has created a situation in which we enjoy a world of confidence
and psychological health for all. Alas, most of us are still riddled with
insecurities, and each of them individualized to our own personalities. This is
what makes us human, of course, just as does the process of learning and
growing and overcoming those insecurities. When we study the avos and the imahos,
we are empowered to know that they faced such relatable challenges, too, and were
able to rise to greatness, even if they still had personal work to do.
Wishing you all a meaningful Shabbas.
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