5777 - This is the year my son will “become a man,” as popular Bar Mitzvah messages assert. In just over seven months, my bachor will become Bar Mitzvah and for the last several months this fact has become a constant little niggle, that type of thing one says one isn’t going to think about but nevertheless finds oneself constantly discussing. Halls for the kiddush, caterers, how to balance the different things he needs...
As I sat thinking about the Dvar Torah I wanted to write, the Bar Mitzvah once again popped into my head. This time, however, my thoughts were not focused on the “to do” but rather on the personal significance. Every year when I get “the call” (ok, the email, but it’s so much more dramatic sounding the other way) about the Elul group, I become suddenly more aware of the growth I need to do, of the growing I haven’t done... of my status as a baneinu. I’m not bad, but I’m not particularly good, either.
Twenty some odd years ago, I started keeping mitzvot. The first several years were all about acquiring knowledge and adding observance. They were hard because had to bend myself, but they were easy because there was so much new to do...and so much encouragement!
When I got married, I expected many things from myself, but life, work, children, running...running...running (B.H.) kept me very busy. Slowly, learning and growing drifted away. Even davening. Last year, I believe, I wrote about davening and how much I increased my davening as I expected my fifth child. One of the other reasons I made an active effort to increase my davening was that I wanted my children, my girls in particular, to see me daven, to know that it wasn’t just Tatty who did so.
This year, about two months ago, I found a whatsapp group of women in my neighborhood (mostly). The group is about emunah and growth but, to be honest, I really joined it to try and build a stronger social connection within Montreal. I found much more. I am in awe of the spiritual drive of these ladies, just as I am in awe of the dedication of the ladies of this Elul list -particularly, of course, Caryn and Ruthie, who have been doing this longer than a bar mizvah. Last week this group spoke of the idea that a tzadik cannot stand in the same place as a Baal Teshuva, which led to a discussion of how doing teshuva provides each person witha chance to not only start anew, but to really start to be new. As the conversation got deeper, I was struck by the thought that I didn’t really deserve the title of Baal Teshuva anymore. Sure, became observant on my own, but last year I actually passed the mark of being shomer Shabbat longer than not being shomer Shabbat...and what growth had I been doing?
Today (ok, tomorrow) is first day of Elul. The King is in the Field! Now is the time, the best time, for me to seize the day and start myself anew. This Elul, I want to use the energy of the month to call out from my heart: “Hashem, help me grow! Hashem, open my soul! Hashem, help me feel that passion I felt when I first started this journey. And Hashem, help me show that love and passion for Torah to my children!”
The ladies with whom I have been learning are incredible, spiritual and connected on an emotional level. If you know me, you know that is not so much how I am wired. But I learn from them, as I learn from each woman on the Elul list each year, how to be a little more. And from each of these things I am inspired by the necessity to open up, to call out and communicate to Hashem in the same way I have a “heart to heart” with a good friend, and then more so.
Once upon a time, I used to seek out deep texts and challenge myself to create innovative and admirable divrei Torah. I wanted to do that again...So here is a very brief thought, and not that wow. I have been looking into Mishlei a bit, an excellent source of quotes on which to build Jewish Treats, and I was struck by several verses in Chapter 16:
16:3 Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts shall be established.
16:7 When a man's ways please the LORD, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
16:9 A man's heart devises his way: but the Lord directs his steps.
If I have the right intention in any of my endeavors – I try to exercise knowing that I am acting on a mitzvah of taking care of my body, if I focus on cooking Shabbas not as a chore (yes, sorry, week after week) but for the mitzvah - then God will help me in those actions. And I believe this means, for me at least, that I will gain a level of serenity from doing them. This connects to the next verse quoted, but my biggest enemies are in my head. From the yetzer harah to low self esteem, I am easily brought into a negative headspace. When I have given my thoughts and actions a God-focused perspective, however, I find more peace. Last, but not least, of course is a verse that makes me think of “man plans, God laughs,” but it is not nearly so flippant. This is the essence of free will. I get to make decisions, but God is still maneuvering all the pieces on the board to either help or hinder my wishes from coming true.
I don’t know if that made sense to anyone, and in truth I am adding that paragraph just before sending it (when I should be cooking). Mostly now, I write to inspire only myself, and, if by chance you can relate to what I have set down, I hope I give you chizuk as well. I often find that reading of other people with similar thoughts, feelings, experiences can give me strength to grow and move forward.
In seven plus months, my son will have to take responsibility for his own mitzvot. During the hectic months to come, I hope to work on myself as well, so that when he becomes something more, I too can be something more and reclaim the legitimacy of the label B.T.
Thank you all for the inspiration.
