My Conflicted Thoughts on the Night of Tisha B'Av

It is almost midnight on Tisha B’Av, the saddest day on the Jewish calendar. On Tisha B’Av, we mark the destruction of both the First and Second Temple and a host of other tragic events that have occurred to the Jewish people.

This Tisha B’Av is different than others I have experienced. This Tisha B’Av, Israel is at war and anti-Semitism is once again rearing its ugly head. These two things are, sadly, not new or unique, nor is the crazy lack of understanding from the outside world. It is the convergence of these events on Tisha B’Av that heighten my awareness of it all.

From FreeImages.com  anatlevi8

On Tisha B’Av, Jews actively express our longing for the Temple. This yearning is about more than just the building, it’s a yearning for a time of religious clarity and spiritual strength and a hope that soon there will be a final redemption that leads to a world of peace and Divine awareness. This is the concept of Moshiach - the messiah.

The straight-shooting fact of the matter is that when it comes to the idea of Moshiach, I am a bit of a coward. I deeply desire to live in a world of peace, order, stability and true respect for all of God’s creation. On the other hand, the idea of such drastic change is terrifying.

More than one friend or acquaintance has said to me in the last few weeks that the trauma we are experiencing now are the birth-pangs of new world. I guess that is what has me mulling over what this signifies to me. There is a hope inside me, certainly – which must be why I keep wishing to hesitate from setting any long range plans, after all the world may be changing in just a few hours! But much of this hope is tempered by my fear of change, my lack of faith and my clinging grip to the pattern of same old-same old.

A part of me whom I don’t want to admit to wants to shout, “Moshiach can’t come, I have plans. I want to go on vacation next week.” Today I noticed the van of a family whom I know are moving out of Montreal in a few weeks, and it made me think about living a Jewish life requires one to live in two realities. There is the reality of hope, the one that yearns for Moshiach (and the one who recognizes that this family would have it great if Moshiach came right now as they are already packed!) and the reality of living. One cannot put off life decisions because the Jewish people might earn the right to redemption.

It is a fine line between these two realities, and the true challenge is finding the balance between them. Looking at the headlines in my Facebook stream, even when I know that most of which I see come from right wing propaganda sights, it is difficult not to believe that the only way out of this mess if for Moshiach to come – otherwise we, meaning Israel, will be left with the (undeserved) scorn of the world. On the other hand, fighting in Israel has happened before, and the world didn’t change so why would it this time?

The truth is, I know where I want to be. I have always wanted to possess true emunah and bitachon (belief and faith), but it is a struggle for me. I want to want Moshiach to come like nothing I have ever wanted, and there are brief moments where I can tap into that emotion.

I am writing these thoughts for my own benefit, but also as a comfort to any and all of my friends who feel challenged by these seemingly opposing influences. Tomorrow, when I wake, it will still be Tisha B’Av. I cannot say what the morning will bring, but I hope that I can find a way to make my fast meaningful in such a way as to connect me to a better understanding of the greatness that we lost when we lost the Holy Temple.