YK

 

Yom Kippur – Atonement as Prayer

I’ve been trying to do the work I need to do before Yom Kippur, and it isn’t easy. I listen to shiurim and get distracted halfway through (If I’m lucky enough to get that far). I sit to try and self-reflect, and I end up in a spiral of thoughts leading downward… or smacking into a brick wall.

 

I want to be able to be present for this great day… I want to be able to really connect to each of the “al chaits,” to determine how I have transgressed and how I can do better. I want to feel the terror and trembling we hear of from previous generations so that I can also access the sweet that follows with the knowledge that the tefillos are accepted.

 

For now, I simply continue to strive.

 

On Rosh Hashana I made small index cards for myself, notes of inspiration to help me focus on accepting Hashem as Melech and all that that might entail. For Yom Kippur, I was contemplating making other cards…but what would I put that is not already encompassed by the established service?

 

The honest answer is that my personal atonement is directly connected to my greatest yearning.

 

Please forgive me Hashem for not working hard enough to connect to you.

Please grant me atonement for choosing the path of least resistance when more effort would have garnered me greater spiritual reward.

Please know that when I fight, it is, at its heart, a fight to come closer to You.

 

Please accept that I don’t know how to fix my ills. I have intentions, but my path is so murky.

And even as I read these personal reflections, part of me is rebelling. Part of me knows that my davening kavana will not suddenly improve, that I will still go running into Shabbas, that I might be nivel peh when stuck in traffic…and etc.

 

And thus the cycle starts again. I want to move forward and yet there is a wall, a blockage. And this is the stark truth of my reality, I pray for You to draw me close even as I ask pardon for pushing You away.

 

It hurts. It’s hard to face oneself with one’s truth (and so I will , most probably, blithely forget the emotions behind these thoughts even a few moments after I write them). When Yom Kippur is over, however, I will have my own victory to celebrate. I shall be left, if not with perfect atonement, then at least with a spark of hope, a kernel of optimism, that my desire to connect to Hashem has earned me another year to grow.

 

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A Second Short Thought

There is so much we can learn from the two goats of Yom Kippur in the Beis Hamikdash. This ritual is the source of the term scapegoat, which refers to that on which we place the blame for our failings. The other goat is sacrificed in the avodah.

 

Perhaps on Yom Kippur, reading about this part of the service, I should think about how I am presenting my atonement to Hashem. Forgive me for loshen harah (I only said it because of what she did). Forgive my transgressions with food (I mean I was starving, but I should have made a bracha.) Forgive my willfulness (You did create us with freewill!)

Am I making my atonements as if I am placing them on the scapegoat – these are my sins, but, you know, they aren’t so bad… or am I making my atonement to connect with the avodah, to be cleansed through the service?

 

I hope that the latter can be my motivation, but I fear that the former reigns over my actions. I am writing in honesty. I am not chastising myself. This is a step; one step out of many. This year, perhaps, I gain knowledge, and, knowledge will provide the power to change.

 

I wish you all a Gmar Chasima Tova… and I tip my hat in debt to Esty, you know what I mean.