----This piece is dedicated li’ilui neshama Yenta bas Yaakov
haLevi, my aunt, who had no children of her own, whose Yahrtzeit is 5 Sivan.
It’s almost midnight here in Montreal on the last night of
the counting of the omer. Since Pesach we have been counting the days and the
weeks building up to the commemoration of Zman Matan Torah, the Giving of the Torah.
It’s a time when Jews around the world focus on growth, get excited about their
relationship with Hashem, and crown each day with the sephiros – the ten emanations
of Hashem. And tonight, as I worked in the kitchen far into the night because
it’s been too hot to cook during the day, I had a sense of sadness as I
reflected on where I started out at the beginning of this Sefiras Haomer and
where I am now. With all of the crazy things of our current life, I thought for
certain that I would be tapped into the urgency of prayer, that I would take
advantage of the different schedule to learn more, and that I would put my
kochos, my strengths, towards personal growth. And here I am, seven full weeks
later and I have honestly done none of that.
I know, I know…you can all send me a host of rationals. I
have them all too. The kids have been home, and my kids start with the youngest
up at 7 and the oldest going to bed after 11, and still needing or wanting my
attention. It’s harder to concentrate with the different flow to the day. I
have to cook, shop, entertain and educate.
But I stopped myself from this reflection of all the things
I didn’t do, all the shiurim I saw posted that I didn’t even try to tune into,
and all the moments of prayer that were wasted by distraction. Seven weeks later,
over ten weeks out of school and life rhythm, and I may not be following my
personal expectations for myself, but I have, without question, grown closer to
Hashem and His Torah (not least by the fact that I literally have a Torah in my
house right now for our new, beautiful – socially distanced – backyard minyan).
When I used to write Jewish Treats (JewishTreats.org), I
used to dedicate this time of year to writing about the foundation steps of the
mitzvots of the Torah: the Ten Commandments. And so, today’s confessional
writing of Personal Parsha Prose is a connection to these mitzvot during this
time of Covid 19 Shut Down.
1)
I am the
Lord your God – From
the very beginning of Covid 19, it struck me (as it did many) how shocking this
was to the modern mindset of our ability to control the world. Let’s face it,
even devout Jews who constantly think upon a more humble mindset and
recognizing Hashem’s ultimate control of the world, believe in our “right” to
go where we want to, to choose the process of our children’s education, and etc.
Suddenly, everyone is far too aware that we don’t control anything. And yet,
from the very beginning, whenever I spoke about the situation, from the most
honest place in my heart, the only response that I had was: Hashem runs the
world.
2)
You shall
have no idols – The first two
mitzvot are obviously deeply connected. Similar to the above, just as people
around the world
suddenly realized how little each person has control of their world, there has
been a realization that the organizations in which we put such faith are “human,”
so to speak. The WHO, which did make some mistakes, is run by people – they couldn’t
possibly have foreseen all the ramifications of the growing pandemic. This long
state of distancing has, perhaps, provided an opportunity for recognizing not
only how Hashem run’s our individual lives, but how all the other people or
groups or inanimate objects (like computers) in which we put our faith, are
fallible as well.
3)
Do not make a false oath – It’s not quite taking the Lord’s name in vain, but
being suddenly thrown into parenting 24/7 when I am used to all of my kids
being out of the house during the day, I saw how easy it was to fall into the
bad parenting habit of ultimatums and bribes. If you don’t clean up after yourself
I will lock you in your room (just kidding, really!). Or, if you all get along
for the afternoon, I will get you pizza and ice cream. But I think I
have become better at watching what I say, not making false promises or threats,
and, most importantly following through with the promises I do make.
4)
Sanctify the Sabbath – You would think that in a
“never-ending” series of days with the kids home that we would come to dread
Shabbat, our day without electronics to alleviate at least some of the constant
need for entertainment. But the truth is, now more than ever, I have come to
love Shabbat. Part of it is that they just can’t have the electronics, so I
have a break from what feels like an endless struggle to balance too much time
on the screen. But it is more than that. As our days have grown ever less
distinct, Shabbat is wonderfully distinguished. I might also add that each week
as it is “suddenly” Thursday again (and thus almost Shabbat) I wonder at how
quickly the week, which held no particular promise of excitement, has flown by.
5)
Honor your mother and father – I would, of
course, love to write at what a transformation I have seen in my children, but,
you know, babysteps 😊 I do,
however, feel that I have gotten better at my own Kibud Aim (my father, alas,
is gone 18 years). My mom and I have never been the type to call each other
every day, and I have to admit that there have been times when quite a large
number of days will pass between us speaking. But over the course of Covid 19,
I have tried to put calling her at the forefront of my mind. Of course, this is
easy to do, because, thank God, my mom is an easy going, warm and wonderful.
6)
Do not murder – Honestly…heading into social
distancing, I thought that being shut in together for weeks on end might end
with murder in my household. And, again honestly, the first few weeks were
hard. There were days when I had kids asking if they could move out because
they couldn’t take each other anymore. But as the weeks have passed, we’ve all
turned a corner, I think. Certainly,
there are days when they fight, but they are siblings and that’s to be
expected.
7)
Do not commit adultery – I am going to take a
wide swing here and go from a different angle. Just as I feared that my
children would kill each other (or I them), I worried what Covid 19 would do to
my Shalom Bayit. Like most couples in the 21st century, my husband
and I aren’t used to being together quite this much. And while we quibble over
little things, I think these last few months have been a boon to our
relationship.
8)
Do not steal – This is a funny commandment,
actually. Not that stealing is funny, but the mepharshim explain that it
actually is a prohibition about kidnapping. Feeling pretty low risk here where
people are afraid to even go within 6 feet of each other!
9)
Do not bear false witness – Oh news media. I
think I reflect what many people feel when I say that I wish the news media
took more time before they presented information. So many “dire” news briefs
have come and gone that it feels impossible to know what is true. Wear a mask,
masks don’t help, masks protect others, masks increase problems…
10)
Do not covet your neighbor’s possessions – I am
blessed. Of course, I have known this for a long time, but for me this has been
driven home by Covid 19. Now, instead of looking or thinking about what others
have or are doing, I am trying to be more conscientious of thinking about what
I can do to help.
I hope you have enjoyed my rather lengthy
piece this week. It’s more whimsical than I usually
publish here, and it’s blushingly honest. But
I think it is important to find our own ways to make connections and to realize
the amazing potential we have. I may not have managed to make the most of the
last 49 days, but one of the most beautiful things I know is that personal growth
is a goal for all times.
x
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